I am happy today

Hi....as the title of my post suggests "I am happy today". No, I have not got admission till now but today I feel great to have a very supportive family. I called up my dad today. He was attending a farewell party given to him by his colleagues. My mom and brother were also invited. I asked him if he was sad, unhappy and in tension due to his transfer but he said "no". He said that it is his duty to serve his organization and wherever he will be posted, he will go and do his work with full dedication and honesty. I know, even though it is a difficult situation for him, he won't express his trouble. I know him, he is my dad....my idol, my everything. In fact he inquired about my application details. I told him that Dalhousie University has mailed its decision to me and it will take 2-3 weeks to reach India. I told him about Tennessee that my application is still under review. He asked me not to worry and he will do whatever it takes him to fulfill my dreams and let him know about my acceptance as soon as I get it and to study well.

I feel so lucky to have him by my side in this hour of crisis...I don't know where I would have been without him and what would I have been without him. He knows that he is the sole pillar of strength to the entire family and that if he becomes weak, it will affect the entire family. So he never loses his control and patience. HE FIGHTS !!! and I have learned to fight and to be determined from him. I love you dad !!! and I am proud of you !!!

Thank you for being such a wonderful father and thank you for being there with me. Thanks a lot.

17 days to go

Hi...as I mentioned yesterday that I emailed Dalhousie University Graduate Studies so as to know my application decision...I got a quick response from them telling me that it is against their regulations to inform a student about the application review result unofficially via an e-mail and they have mailed a decision letter to me on 26th of March 2010. They asked me to wait for 3-4 weeks to get the mail. Now I don't know what to guess out of it. Is it an admission or a rejection ???

Gosh...I feel that the time span of each day has increased considerably and 3-4 weeks is a bit too much and even if I wait, there is no guarantee that it would be an admit. I don't understand why people waste paper on rejections ??? They can simply send an e-mail to notify that. When they can accept an online application, why can't they send an online rejection if it is the case. It will save their time, energy and money too. Who will make them understand this ????

I also emailed the UNC and Tennessee departments because I have given up on "wait" game and I just want it to get over as soon as possible. It is March end and I deserve an answer (a positive one), I believe. I made the UNC application in December. Still no intimation. Lets see what response do I get from the respective departments or whether I get any response from them...

bye

Final Moments...

Today it's 29th of March...10:39 a.m. I checked the website of Dalhousie University yesterday night and saw the application status. It said "Decision Made"....but what decision has been made was not written. It said "written notification to follow". I have no idea what does it mean...does it mean that I am accepted or rejected ??? That's why I have written an e-mail to the graduate studies at Dalhousie University so as to know about my application decision.

This wait game is taking its toll on me badly. I cannot concentrate on my studies or anything for that matter. Nothing seems to interest me. Tomorrow I have to go to NAL for the data collection regarding my thesis. I know it is important but somehow I have lost interest in every thing. I don't feel good from inside. The kind of jovial and fun loving person I am, I am not exhibiting any traits of that sort.

The situation way back home is also not that good. My father has been transferred to a different location in Orissa called Bolangir which is one of the most underdeveloped area over there. This transfer means that all the four people in our family will be living at four different locations. Me, here at Bangalore, Mom in Calcutta, Brother in Durgapur as he studies there and Dad in Orissa. I have not let this transfer affect me till now but given the kind of mental stress I am going through, any day I can have a nervous breakdown. It is just too much now.

I need somebody to console me, somebody to tell me constantly "to have faith", somebody whom I trust from within, somebody very close to me, somebody whom I love but alas the only people giving me little bit of faith are my mom, brother, Christina and Sudipta (one of my juniors), who knows what I am going through now. Mom and brother are far away from me and that's why I do not always tell them about the tension I am going through because I don't want them to worry for me. Brother is too young to worry for me and Mom is already in tension due to Dad's transfer. Christina has done her bit and her good wishes are with me. The only person who is constantly in touch with me is Sudipta (as he stays here) and he has been a wonderful friend till date. He has much more faith in God than me and is constantly telling me to keep my hopes alive. He says "I will get through" !!! God only knows what will happen ..

Sometimes I wonder and you know I feel proud about myself. I don't know whether it is right or wrong but that is the way it is. Even during this period of uncertainties and doubts, I am alive and fighting tight. I don't smoke or drink and do not have any bad habits or so like many others. I do not have a way to let out my frustration. The only way I know is to talk to people and listen to music and not studying :D because I cannot concentrate.

Anyway I guess, I will have to wait, wait and wait...bye for now.

Anxiously Waiting for Results ...

It's 28th of March (oh my god !!!)...still no signs of response from UNC, Tennessee, Dalhousie. I don't know what am I going to do, if I do not get a response from them soon. It is too much to wait now. At least email me saying I am accepted or rejected or wait-listed....something. People !!! Spare me the agony !!!Please I beg of you.

Final moments....

Hi....I can't describe my feelings right now. It's 25th March 2010 and within 15th April my fate will be decided. Whether I am going to US for my further studies or otherwise. Today I received the hard copy of rejection from Drexel University. Though I received an email on 10th March, still it pains...pains a lot. Only one of my friends know about all the rejections which I have received till now. She is Christina from Germany. The wonderful thing is we became friends in January. She came to ISI for giving some talk in Stat-Math Department and stayed here for 3 weeks. We became friends accidently. Usually people who come to give talk, they are so busy that they don't have time to mingle with the students here and since she came here to give talk into Math department, initially nobody from my department talked to her. But one day I saw her eating lonely in a corner of our mess. Since there was no other seat empty in the whole mess, I had to join her. And the rest is history. We became very good friends soon. She gave me a lot of confidence and strength to stand on my own. Her thoughts really inspired me. We talked on every issue possible including our personal lives.

Today in one hand I had one of my rejection letters and in the other hand I had a post card sent by Christina which she sent from England as she is studying there wishing me all the best for my other application results. She sent me lots of positive energies, strength, good luck. And I am really greatful to her for that.

True, it is during adversity you get to know who your real friends are. Sometimes people who are closest to you just leave you alone. I have faced it and am facing it. And people from whom you expect least help they are always there to help you. Christina is one such example. Technically speaking she should not have cared about what was going in my life and should have carried out her work but why did she send me a letter ??

Relationships do not need time to be strong. They need feelings, emotion, committment and honesty. The amount of time you spend with a person does not matter. It is the quality of time which matters. It is the feelings which matter and not the physical distance.

I feel really lucky to have her as my friend and I wish all the very best to her for her future. God bless you Christina!!!

Realization...

Hello everybody !!! Just now I realized something which I think is worth mentioning in this blog of mine. I was as usual going through the website, www.thegradcafe.com, to check the news about the Ph.D admissions in various universities. In this website students around the world post their admission stats, courses where they applied for masters or Ph.D programs, whether and when they are accepted or rejected by their university, their reactions on being accpeted and on being rejected too and many other details.

This site was introduced to me by one of my classmates called Shion. As I am also awaiting results for my graduate admission, I keep visiting this site for the latest updates. Today I realized that I am not alone in the race of admissions. There are far too many better students with better scores, better academic profiles, better research profiles competing against each other for admissions in different programs. And then there are many students who have excellent profiles and GRE scores, and research experience and still they are rejected by the universities. The rejections does not imply that the students were not up to the mark. Rejection is not just the end of the road. A rejection from a university does not mean that you did not deserve it. It is just that the universities cannot take everybody. It also does not mean that the students who are selected are the best of the lot. Perception differs. The admission committee also gambles. They also speculate that these bunch of people whom we are offering admissions seem to be good but in the end what matters is how successful you have become as a researcher or as a professor. Though people always say that this guy is from Oxford, Cambrige or Harvard but mostly what matters is how many papers you have published, what is your contribution to the field irrespective of the fact that from where did you achieve your degree. A degree from a renowned university complements your academic profile but it is not the sole important thing.

So I feel that even though I do not get admission anywhere I should not be disheartened. It is a part of life. I should accept it the way I should have accepted the positive response from the university and move on in my life and try again if I really want it. It is just not the end of road as I said.

Mind you I mentioned this point not because I did not get admission offer from any university till now, it is just a thought, a realization, a motivation to go further in life which prompted me to write this. That's it for the day. Will be back soon. :)

Lessons learnt ...

My father always said 2 things from the time when I was a kid.
(1) Never take money from anybody, even if the person is very close to you. Because most of the times it happens that the person who gives you the money reminds you the fact that you have taken money from him/her. He/she will humiliate you / let you down by saying that you have taken financial help from him/her.

(2) Where ever you reach in your life, no matter how successful, rich you become, always remember the place where you were in the beginning. You should never insult or treat a person badly who is working at a junior level because once you were also at the same place. You should always be humble and never forget your roots, your parents, your friends, people close to you who love you because even if you become the most successful person in the world, you need people to share your happiness with. Everything is useless if you do not have people who care for you when you are at the peak.

I am more of a papa's daughter. Although we have differences on various issues but he is my idol from the childhood and will always be. He has always been a "Man of principles" and have inculcated very good values in me like self-respect,courage to struggle, determination, sincerity, honesty. He has followed his given 2 important points in life religiously. The reason for mentioning the above 2 points is that I followed both his advise till few months ago. The second point I follow till now and will continue doing so. However few months back I did commit a blunder. One of my very closest friends did some spending for me on his own. I never asked him to do so. In fact I asked him not to do it. But he insisted doing so and he did. But as my father said, no matter how close that person be, he/she will always humiliate you by giving you the account of the money being spent. Same thing happened to me. I just did not know how to react to this when that person yelled at me saying he has wasted his money on me. Mind you he is one of the closest persons in my life. :)

This proves that I was such a fool to forget what my father taught me. I believed a person whom I knew for few months and forgot the teaching of the person who gave birth to me, who loves me sooo much and made me what I am today and does whatever it takes to fulfill my wishes.

I also had friends for whom I was very precious. I was with them when they needed me the most, in their grief, during their happiness, whenever they needed help. One of these friends even said "his life is incomplete without me". Today he is at a very prestigious position in his life (credit goes to his talent, hard work and dedication) but then there is no time for me. He does not feel like talking to me. He does not feel anything about me, he said.

Don't ask me what did I do when I heard this thing from his mouth....any guesses ??????

I just laughed....laughed aloud.
And then they say, they are my friends....
Do they even know what is friendship ???? :)

I cried in my room silently but then it does not matter....isn't it ????

Waiting for Admission

Hi everybody !!! Yeah I know, this post comes after a long gap of almost 5 months but the past few months were so cruel (not that I am having a great time now) that I just did not feel like writing or posting the advances in my application process.

Lots of things have been happening in my life lately and most of them leading to severe depression, tension, sorrow, grief (you name it) !!! It could be called Application Fever or after-effects of application (whatever) but one thing I have realized that when I am in trouble, I stand alone. In fact the most important people in my life from whom I expected a little bit of comfort, they are the first ones to turn me down. It hurts so much. One amongst them hardly asks me if I am alive. I wonder how people change within a short span of time.

I applied to 6 places in total and I have got 3 rejections already.I am waiting for 3 more results to come out and have lost most of my hope. I had an inkling or you may say an intuition (women's intuition) that I am going to get admission in US this time, however, these 3 rejections have really frightened me. Though I am still alive with "some" hope of getting admission but this period is very difficult and all I wanted during this period was mental and emotional support of the people whom I consider the closest. But alas !!! I am not even getting sleep and if I sleep by mistake for 1-2 hours, I dream about being rejected or being accepted in a university...it is just too much. I am not able to concentrate on a single thing. This admission is so important for my career and for my future that it can enhance my career and life by leaps and bounds and vice-versa.

Please pray for me that I do get admission somewhere. I need it.